Taking Opportunities

“Never be afraid to step out on God- There may be things that you don’t know why, or how long, how it could possibly happen nor do you understand (anything at all.) Take confidence if only in Him alone - not in the security of circumstances, or the preplanning and arranging you have done or even in the ignorance of everything.
It may seem risky but the jump is worth it and when looking back you would not have done any different and it even scares you to think of your life without making that jump.”
~ Journal, April 2008

A year ago I was in a very different position and in some ways a very different person than I am in right now. I suffered a personal loss and I hurt through and through. Most of it I cannot explain nor would I want to if I could but… My choices and happenings had made me for a while into a hurting, battling little girl; unsure of anything except for the pain in my heart. I could not even be sure of why exactly I was hurting, whose fault it was, or if it would ever stop. Each day I was facing questions that burned in me, fears, guilt, shame, and tortuous discontentment with myself and with my life.

This is when God set down a farfetched plan to go on a six month missions trip to Santiago, Chile. A trip halfway across the world, without the funds, the time to earn the money, any knowledge of what I was to do when I got there- nothing, just that I was going because I knew God wanted me too. I cannot image what or who I would be right now if I had never taken that chance, if I hadn’t stepped out on God.

When the opportunity presents itself, no matter how crazy it may seem, If God ever puts something in front of you without explaining the why’s, how’s, and what’s just step out and let Him do what He wants. It may be a trip; literally, it may be just a choice that needs to be made. At the moment things are uncertain and going ahead with such a vaguely outlined plan may seem mad (or nutty :) ) but, like I said before- once you have made the choice and all is said and done, looking back you will not regret it.

Just step out and do it.

Love to all!
Lizzi

We did not lose "just" a baby, but a whole future." ~ Sherokee Ilse, Empty Arms

My mother is a strong woman. Most people have no clue because she bears things so well; that is a part of her strength, it's silence. There have been times when she is stronger about what life throws at her than my entire family together. She carries the pain and she carries us as well.

My mother lost her fifth child the other day... well, the fifth child that she has lost. It was a boy. His name is Samuel, my baby brother. While we are all grieving, my mother is the one that holds us and tells us that God is in control and we just need to trust Him. I can't imagine the pain that she is bearing within her heart that she hides for our sakes.

When she came home from the doctor's office just after finding out the life within her no longer held life- she took a nap. I ran away; back into the woods with my journal and a pen in hand. There was so much pain in my heart and so many tears in my eyes I felt like a bomb trying not to explode. I went there- mad at God because it all seemed unfair. I had no answers, no reasons. Did we need to go through all of this again?!? Wasn't the last four babies dying enough for one lifetime? This final miscarriage, was it necessary? Why did He give us a bit of hope and kill it after just 5 months?

In my mind I can picture myself pounding on His chest as He patiently holds me, comforting me. By the time I left my spot in the woods there was no more anger- just emptiness. What good does anger do at a time like this- it only makes bitter people.

I still have no answers or reasons all I know is that God is good and God is just. There is a reason and good will come out of it. I just can not see it yet.

"There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all it's dreadfulness a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms." ~ Emma, Charlotte Bronte

Love to all!

Lizzi

My job stinks!... yes, I am complaining

I had a slight melt down at work the other day-- but before I go into that let me give you a couple details.

I have worked a part time job at a restaurant near my house since the restaurant opened. Waitressing; tips paid my car insurance and tuition for four years in college.

I went to Chile for six months and when I came back- of course- my position had been filled and any available positions had a waiting line... except for prep- cook on Saturdays. They offered it to me and I said, "I'll try it but if I hate it I'm quitting."

Three weeks of prep cooking (which is a fancy word for pot washer and bacon cooker) and I hate it!!! I spend most of the day leaning over a huge sink full of soapy, greasy water and even greasier pots and pans. Greasy steam wafts in my face making a thick layer of yuckiness. The other parts of the day I cook pounds and pounds of bacon. There is a permanent cloud of bacon grease in my side of the kitchen.

In short, it is a brainless, messy, tiring job. Hence my melt down. I had my rubber gloved hands deep in nasty water fishing around for what was left at the bottom of the sink and I thought, "Did I really go through four years of college to be a potwasher? It would have been alot cheaper to skip college if this was going to be my destiny. What in the world am I doing here!" I started to cry (only started and forgive me I am female) I know I am better than this job. Why don't I just quit and find a job that I can actually use my brain for? But, as I write this I realize- "He is teaching me humility."

an ipod is the only thing standing between me and insanity back there washing pots

The kitchen was definately designed for a short person. There is a metal shelf jutting out above the sink right at forehead level. I have been blessed with many lumps and bruises thanks to this shelf.

I sneezed all day long, I may claim that due to medical conditions (being my obvious allergy to grease) I can no longer do that job.

...Should I quit?

love to all!
Lizzi