We did not lose "just" a baby, but a whole future." ~ Sherokee Ilse, Empty Arms

My mother is a strong woman. Most people have no clue because she bears things so well; that is a part of her strength, it's silence. There have been times when she is stronger about what life throws at her than my entire family together. She carries the pain and she carries us as well.

My mother lost her fifth child the other day... well, the fifth child that she has lost. It was a boy. His name is Samuel, my baby brother. While we are all grieving, my mother is the one that holds us and tells us that God is in control and we just need to trust Him. I can't imagine the pain that she is bearing within her heart that she hides for our sakes.

When she came home from the doctor's office just after finding out the life within her no longer held life- she took a nap. I ran away; back into the woods with my journal and a pen in hand. There was so much pain in my heart and so many tears in my eyes I felt like a bomb trying not to explode. I went there- mad at God because it all seemed unfair. I had no answers, no reasons. Did we need to go through all of this again?!? Wasn't the last four babies dying enough for one lifetime? This final miscarriage, was it necessary? Why did He give us a bit of hope and kill it after just 5 months?

In my mind I can picture myself pounding on His chest as He patiently holds me, comforting me. By the time I left my spot in the woods there was no more anger- just emptiness. What good does anger do at a time like this- it only makes bitter people.

I still have no answers or reasons all I know is that God is good and God is just. There is a reason and good will come out of it. I just can not see it yet.

"There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all it's dreadfulness a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms." ~ Emma, Charlotte Bronte

Love to all!

Lizzi